Tomorrow.. No, Today!!

Tomorrow is OFFICIALLY my start up, but I thought it was today so I weighed myself this morning.. and after getting many different numbers, in many different parts of my room, I finally got a consistent one:

255.2 lbs

This is not okay.. While yes, I'm happy I only gained 7 lbs and I'm relieved that I wasn't in the 260's like I'd anticipated, I am tearing up my body by losing and gaining the same 15/20 lbs.. ugh!  So, what am I going to do?!  Um, I'm going with what I'd planned on doing.. Weight Watchers..

There will be a slight change in the plans however.. I feel I need the meetings, for now, bc I've never really succeeded at anything Weight Watchers related (at least not in the past 5 years), so I need that added support.. The bad part is that I have no idea when I'll be able to get to a meeting during my crazy schedule.. But I plan to get my schedule figured out and work it in SOMEWHERE..  I promise.. to you, and mostly to myself..

This past month, in my gaining spree, I've noticed that my body HATES me getting fat.. I itch everywhere (thanks to stretching and excema), my face is breaking out like I'm a teenager again, and I've noticed that I smell weird anymore.. not bad, just not like my fru-fru body wash.. :( 

Wow, well, I'm off to work.. Day 1 of 2 straight days.. ugh!  

Making Plans..

So I've found a Weight Watchers meeting I'll be likely to go to.. it's on Saturday mornings at 9:15am.. This is a good time for me, actually perfect, because it's on my way home from my Friday night shift.. and then I can go grocery shopping at the Walmart right after.. :)

Sounds like a good plan, right?!  However, since I will be in NYC on the 5th (WOOHOO!!), I will try to find something on Monday the 7th and then go to the regular Saturday meetings after that..

Plans..

Right now, my life is one big cluster f@#k.. when i'm not working two job or driving to them, i'm sleeping.. and while this week was planned, it was still difficult..

Honestly, my eating has been CRAPPY.. i've seen McDonald's more than I'd like to admit, and I miss my bed more than I can say.. I'm so scatter-brained that I forgot to get my second TB test read (which means I get to get another one, yay me).. and I haven't been able to scratch out any time to check out the gym the hospital has for us..

Now, I have plans.. and we know how 90% of those turn out.. but i'm trying to fix that, by planning out my plans.. and making back up plans.. My basic plan will go into effect on my 28th birthday, which is Monday, November 7th..

It's kind of perfect, actually.. I can stick with the Monday weigh in, I also have an appointment that morning to get a Wellness check up done, so i'll get to see what i'm starting off with and what I need to work on.. :)

I do know I plan to find a WW meeting that I can go to, not sure where yet, and I will do WW online instead of the normal stuff.. and that's about as far as my plans go FOR NOW.. i'm working on more details of how I want to lose this weight for good..

Good night!

Self- Love??

This entry is about exercising, kinda..

This entry is about dieting, kinda..

I'm feeling vague today, can ya tell?!  lol.. Okay, so I was on Twitter earlier, and just started following this lady.. I won't give ya her Twitter handle, bc I didn't ask her if it was okay (and I don't wanna step on any toes).. But this lady said something about how nice it would be to have a boyfriend who would appreciate all the work she does at the gym.. I replied back the following:

"I think that all the time.. then I realize I wouldn't want him to see >this< naked right now.. ugh!"

We had a tweet convo after that about how I should love myself RIGHT NOW, how my perspective needs to change now while I'm still heavy, etc..  Why??  If I loved myself fat, then why would I want to change that?!  I'm not "unhealthy" (aka, low blood pressure, normal cholesterol, and normal blood sugar), but I'm overweight.  Now, this is not to say that I don't love myself enough to do something.. I do.. I just think that my depression is sneaky and is working it's way back into my life.. and the fat is my safety zone, so to speak..

I don't love myself at this size.. I love how I feel thinner, I love how I look thinner.. I HATE how I look fat, but I don't hate myself.. Trust me, I've been down THAT road, and it'll never happen again..

** Just an FYI: I respect this person's opinion.. this just struck a cord in me and I figured others might relate to it.. **

Noticing Things..

Okay, so I'm starting to realize that my house has become a prison, of sorts.. and mom or dad, if you are reading this (which I hope you aren't), it's nothing you all have done.. 

My grandmother is out of town, so my mom and I are feeding her babies (fur babies, that is) while she's gone.. I walked into her house today and felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.. honestly, it was like the exhaustion I'd been feeling was gone..

I hate that my life is cramped into a small room.. and it's getting worse.. I basically work and sleep anymore.. on the random occasion that I actually get out of my house, it's only with my besties Amanda or Cassie..

I'm hoping that with my new job (and benefits) that I can start my meds, get therapy, and MOVE OUT OF MY PARENTS HOUSE.. lol.. I sadly think that one big reason I'm not succeeding in weight loss is bc it's not my top priority.. right now, my top priority is staying afloat, without totally screwing up what normal life I have..

Sadly, the meds part won't be happening til March, but I will be moving out in January or February.. :)

Updates on Goals..

So, I've updated my monthly goals and my 30 by 30 has been changed to 28 at 28.. 30 is still over 2 years away.. I need to focus on the here and now.. so I'm going to print those goals out and post them on my wall, so I see them every day, and work towards them every day.. :)

What are your goals for yourself??  Are they JUST weight related??

Well, It's Monday..

It's official.. I HATE MONDAYS!!

I'm not sure why, but something bad always seems to come with them.. This Monday, it's an overdraft fee!  I haven't had one of those for months (which is awesome for me).. and it wasn't even for something I did/spent.. I won't go into details, but seriously, I'm pissed bc I had my bank account down to the $1 (I've been using cash for anything non-bill related).. and now it's fucked up.. grr!!

This sadly means that I will have to cancel my gym membership a week sooner than I'd planned.. :(  Guess I'll just have to workout outside this coming week.. Then on Monday, I'll bring my workout bag with me to Orientation so I can go to the gym at work straight afterwards.. :)

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Weigh in was as bad as I expected.. Hell, I ate 6 pcs of chicken/tomato/green pepper pizza yesterday.. Wonder why I gained over the past two weeks.. HOWEVER, I'm shocked to see I only gained 5.2 lbs.. Yes, that's a lot over the past 2.5 weeks, but for me, it's not really..

Weigh In for 10/03: 248.8 lbs

Difference from last weigh in: +5.2 lbs

So as I sit here, eating my breakfast of Oat Fit Cinnamon Roll 100 calorie pack (won it from Kris Gets Healthy's blog), 1 pc of Healthy Life (carb-friendly) toast with ICBINB spray, and green tea, I am trying to rack my brain how I'm going to lose those 5 lbs and then some.. 

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My goals for this week:

** Lose 1 lb

** Get on the ball with 5k in 100 days running

** Count calories EVERY DAY!

Up In The Air..

That seems to be my motive right now.. Seriously, my work schedule has been so screwed up that I don't know which way is up, so to speak..  I've worked 76 hours in the past 7 days (with 1 full day off).. And sadly, it doesn't look to be getting any better any time soon.. Next week, I'm going to try to keep my schedule "normal" and take shifts if I can get them.. bc the week after that will be totally screwed up, time-wise..

The week after next, I start my new job.. and I'm not sure what my schedule will be exactly.. I wish I did, so I could plan stuff better, but right now everything is up in the air.. including working out.. Right now, I will be working 6 days a week, but the money is too good to pass up.. Yes, I will be keeping as many of my clients as I can physically keep.. :)  If I work as much as I should be, my bi-weekly paychecks should clear $1000 after taxes.. :)  That makes me happy..

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I'm thinking that with my first paycheck I will enroll in WW Online.. This way I can have all the stuff on my phone and no excuses not to count points.. Yes, that's another thing.. Tomorrow, I plan to start Weight Watchers.. AGAIN.. lol

I also am changing my Weigh In days to Mondays, bc with them being on Fridays, I kinda give myself the weekend to go off the deep end and then the rest of the week to "fix it".. So this way I can't go crazy during the weekends.. :)

Laziness Kills..

it kills in different ways..

it kills your plans..

it kills your body..

it kills your motivation..

I'm realizing that my brain is not in the right place anymore.. i've gotten lazy, but not physically lazy (no way), but mentally lazy.. This week, i've worked 76 hours.. while i have a very easy just physically, it's mentally draining.. and all i want to do when i (eventually) get home is crash in bed.. and itms only for a small nap..

my question for myself now is why do i need a nap?? seriously, i sleep most nights that i work, and while it's not a wonderful sleep, it's still sleep.. i need to start bringing my gym bag with me everyday.. and get into the habit of going straight there..

my bed needs to stop being my #1 way to de-stress.. I have an able body, I should use it while it's not too late.. and sadly, I forgot to bring it tonight, but seeing as my gym doesn't open til 12 tomorrow, I will go later..